Idiosyncrasy

Once U see it U can't unsee it

Last nite I noticed something about myself. Honestly last nite wasn't the 1st time I “noticed” but it was the first time it was obnoxiously loud & clear. An experience where U step outside of yourself, in the middle of an action, and watch from 3rd person point of view, sometimes horrified at what U witness. Ok, in my case “horrified” is too strong a word as that would be indicative of also being shocked or surprized, which I can assure U, I never am. In order for U to have any shock value from your own actions, U would have to not really Know Yourself, and being that I am about the most Self-analytical person I've ever met- I think I've got that angle covered. No, for me the emotional reactions will be on a scale of anywhere from Amusement to “O Damn” to “Ok that was fuckin awkward” to “Wtf were U smokin??!!” to “Hold up, I don't recall saying U could answer for us” to “HAA Smackdown” (channeling Smokey from Friday, standing over D-bow, talkin bout, “U Got Knocked daFUCK OUT!!”) to “Ok Now I Get It- we can fix this” & even occasionally a lil bit of Pride (simply cuz I know how far I've grown, & how differently that same scenario could've played out in past seasons).

Last nite was a cross between a “O Damn” & a “Ok Now I Get It- we can fix this.”

It's amusing for me that half the time when I start writing my lil stories, my shadow self turns into Sophia Petrillo, “Picture It…. Sicily 1977…..”

Anywho…. Back to last nite.

It would appear that I may be slightly uncomfortable sharing this with U, seeing as how I keep coming up with means of sidetracking the conversation here. Well this is one of those, “would the real ego please sit down?? & Stfu while you're at it- thank U!!” And now back to our regularly scheduled convo….

Ok so- last nite my daughter-in-law had made arrangements to ensure I could sleep in my sons car, so that I would be able to get some decently comfortable sleep as well as staying dry, as it was raining on & off all day yesterday. Before U go forming an opinion, Don't. My son & daughter-in-law are doing everything they can to assist me, without getting themselves and my grandbabies tossed into the streets. And that's exactly how good parenting happens, my kids will not risk my grandbabies not having a roof over their heads for anybody, period. We all make sacrifices as adults & Im ok with being uncomfortable as long as my 3 babies are good. After getting everything setup for the nite, I was in the library when an old friend (a homeless veteran) came up to me, and told me he had just secured a motel room for the next 2 nites, for us to share, & tried to give me the room key. He was pretty well lit and had been for most of the day. This man is someone I look out for as best I can & quite obviously he intends to return the favor. When he initially walked up to me, he had a friend with him, who very quickly disappeared as soon as the conversation started up. I told my friend, the Vet, “Thank U, I do Appreciate U, but I am good, I promise U.” He was a lil let down by my response & kept trying to give me his room key. The man has a big heart & gets taken advantage of constantly because of this. On the flip side of that coin, as much as I truly appreciate the sentiment, I couldn't accept the offer, for starters because he was heavily intoxicated, and because I picked up on the fact that the man also has a thing for me. I ain't the woman that will knowingly mislead anyone, much less a man trying to provide for me, just so I can have shit easier. His heart was in the right place for mostly the right reasons, and I'm not gon play with that.

So a few hours later, I'm sitting in one of my usual spots, watching the weird ass “nitelife” come to out to play, and the friend who was with my Vet friend earlier, passes by on his way to the store. About 10 minutes later he comes back & stops to strike up a conversation. He's checking on me to make sure I have a place to go, gives me more information about the rented room & offers to walk with me to said room. When I insist that I'm all set, he asks if I need a few dollars. I smile and thank him, but Im good. Here's yet another man who's homeless and barely meeting me, tries his damnedest to help me.

While we were talking I noticed a slight tension between us & that's where shit gets weird on my part but interesting at the same time. I noticed right then & there, I was doing it again. Anytime in my entire life that there is even a remote spark of interest/excitement between a man & myself, I immediately go on the defensive & become more the warrior who don't take shit from nobody. It's fuckin crazy that as I think back over the years, this is apparently some weird ass deep seeded mating ritual of sorts on my behalf. I feel as if, I instantly take on that “one of ya boys” persona as a safety measure. The funny shit tho is, how often that seems to be the main thing that turns a guy on. For me, I think it's a combo effect of trying to scare him off, while simultaneously testing him to see if he truly is a man who won't become a lil bitch because he has mommy issues. Like I'm subconsciously testing his testosterone levels, to see if he actually has the ballz to find it amusing or if he's gonna feel challenged & have to prove to me he's “a man & in charge.” The latter is the one that's not actually a Man, but instead carries around way too much estrogen making him entirely too bitchy. So as the conversation went, he gave me his number, & told me if I need Anything at Anytime to call him. His phone was dead at that moment but I sent him a quick text anyway so he'd have my number. The second he got to plug his phone in, he texted me back, telling me that it was really nice to have met me. So in the end result, I have now made friends with a Man who isn't scared off by me letting my Crazy come out, and I don't really know if that's a good or a bad thing, but I know something new about me that I need to work on.

Until Next Time~ Strive to Improve upon the U from Yesterday. Mad Love & Blessings🥰🥰👑👑❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥☯️☯️🧿🧿👁️