Final Goodbye to a Narcissist, The Beginning of the End...

Pt 4. of My Miniseries- the Mental & Emotional Rollercoaster ride of breaking free from a Narcissist's hold on my Soul, which eventually led me to a Spiritual Breakthrough (aka a Tower moment)

This is the last chapter/episode of this Miniseries, there are actually 4 parts before this one, by the same title. At some point in the future I may decide to go back into the actual situationship as a means to defining how &/or why any of us would have the ability to end up here, as a sort of early warning where U (the reader) may recognize the flaming (sometimes not as blatant) Red Flags & get out before the proverbial shit hits the fan. I haven't really decided yet if the benefits to the reader, outweigh the cost of my reliving the entire sordid mess. As I stated in part 3, anger & rage were always an acceptable emotion for me so I can easily go back thru my ending/recovery process, however when u start getting into the seriously weak & nauseating behaviors of the interaction itself- I've done the work on that already & I don't really know that I want to revisit that decaying corpse. I'm not the type of person that's ok with living (wallowing) in the past, which is why with the exception of the backstory, every part of this miniseries are poems, rants, & posts which I wrote while actively going thru this experience. I share this with U in hopes that if U are dealing with a Narcissist (in Any capacity- male, female, parent, grown child, boss, etc) U may find something of value in my experiences which can help U thru it. Like I've stated in previous chapters, at the very least, it can be of some comfort to know U aren't the only 1 who's going/gone thru this and NO, U ARE NOT CRAZY!!

Where I left off in chapter/part 3, was during my ups & downs with a lot more of the “downs” than I was actually aware of, at those times I thought I was in an “up” moment, going back & rereading what I had written, now doesn't seem quite as “up” as it did then. However I have continued to grow & do a lot of internal work since then, now it's moreso that I have healed those hurts much better in the present day. This final chapter is still “In” that journey process & will help u to better innerstand the full meaning of the poem I wrote him in my actual:

….which incidentally was the very 1st part of (or the spark for) this Miniseries. My next post was kind of a question for the Universe more than any 3D being. On October 8th 2017:

Is it really wrong to crave the one that u love?? To desire to be held by, to smell their scent, to feel their touch, hear their heartbeat, to long to be wrapped in their arms, to be held by them the way that u would hold them, to long for them, hurt for them even when u know they're wrong for u, that they'll hurt u again without any mercy- it's been 7 months & I still hurt, I'm still empty- I'm so tired of hurting.

I read a quote once & tho I don't remember who it was by, nor do I remember it verbatim, but the main point of it was: The worst part of losing someone U Love is not in them being dead, but just dead to U. They're still very much alive but no longer a part of your world. This stuck with me, & I experienced this during my healing journey. My next post, was more of a venting for means of self-analysation, & I was feeling better by October 31st 2017:

The realization has finally hit me that as much as I miss having companionship & affection from a man- I am really & truly content in my empty bed & not having to deal with no bullshit- nobody lyin to me, cheatin on me, riskin my health & wellbeing just to sling dick in every direction, nobody to try belittling me to make themselves feel better, nobody that I have to worry if their drunk ass is gon get into an accident cuz they insist on bein on the road while they're fkd up, nobody talkin shit & tryna start an argument just for the fuck of it, nobody to worry about, nobody takin up space in my life just cuz they can get something from me- I am truly happy alone & I like…. na fuck that, I Love Who I'm Becoming as a Woman, as a Human. I am down 21lbs in these past 6 months, getting healthier & takin care of my shit lil by lil- & I Can Breathe. I'm finally finding my Happiness again now that there's no Manipulator in my life & it feels Wonderful!! There was a point not that long ago, I was so in love with someone that I would have given my life for him & I couldn't see that he never had any love for me- I put him 1st in my priorities but I didn't exist in his priorities cuz I was simply another female to be used for his gain. I am grateful that he is now 100% gone from my life & the memories are starting to fade. I Love My Life & I Love Me

November 7th holds a few select memories for me: I met my very 1st grandbaby on November 7th 2014, 2 days after her arrival into this beautiful but often chaotic world; & then 2 years later on November 7th 2016 is when I felt my life crashing down on top of me as this Narcissist stood in front of me in my home & told me that, We were over & he was planning to remain living in my home while continuing his life & using… I mean dating other women. In the latter situation it's rather fitting that the date he chose for this 11/7 equals to a 9, if u know anything of Tarot a 9 is the end or closing of a cycle. So in essence November 7th has kind of become a new birthday of sorts, for me. My next post was for myself, to all of my peoples, on November 7th 2017 which also happens to be the very 1st day I began ’Working’ in the Homeless System as opposed to being a client of the Homeless System:

👑💜Today is the day- the 1st day of New Life- the 1st day I walk proudly into the beginning of my career. This past year has brought so many changes & a lot of those changes were devastating, painful, & heartbreaking but I'm different now, I'm who I once was long ago & I'm proud of who I am today. No more Fears, No more Tears- the world is mine & I'm back on my throne, where I belong. U can't shake me or break me- all u did was force me to remake me. Never again will I be weak- I'm worth far too much for that☺️😇😍😎💜👑

On November 10th I felt the need to post my Appreciation to All of my peoples who stuck it thru with me (believe me there was some really low points I damn sure wasn't proud of & the 1s closest to me saw me at my ugliest & somehow they were still there in the end- a Blessing which I could never express enough Appreciation for).

It's been a full year since I began this journey- November 7th 2016 I felt my whole world come crashing down around me, the relationship I had fought for & given everything I had for, was over but the confusion & misery was only just beginning- the man who called it quits didn't wanna actually let go & set me free & I was all too willing to help him cause me more damage (by) hanging around cuz I somehow still believed in him after everything he had put me thru & still believed “we could fix it,” damn was I wrong. The harder I tried, the further it got from being fixed. I've been thru every emotion imaginable in this past year & I did gain a stronger version of me back but there were really low points that I never thought I would reach. I learned who I am in this past year & have found my Peace. I finally am good again & realized a few days ago, the pain is gone- I don't feel empty, I don't feel lonely, & last but definitely not least, I don't have any more tears for the subject- 👑 I am Back 100%, I am Happy, I feel Alive, & I Love My Life. I Am Blessed with a Loving Family & Honestly some Really Great Friends who are never more than a text or call away. To All of U who made it thru this past year with me even during my crazy moments- THANK U!! Mad Love for All Y’All💜💜, Stay Blessed😇😇

Forward to Today & I Am Gratefully Blessed to be Able to say I'm Still Standing, I'm Still Here, & I'm Still Progressing in this Life. There is Always Hope & a Better Future, U just gotta be Hard-Headed enough to Keep going (especially) when All U wanna do is give up!! In this life we deal with a lot of fucked up humans, and trust I am not making any excuses for their shitty behavior, but I also have been on this planet long enough to realize that most often, they had a screwed up existence right from the start- they just weren't Strong enough Mentally to Overcome it- instead they perpetuate the Trauma onto every unsuspecting Soul they come across. I came into this world with the deck stacked against me in so many ways, but I made a conscious choice at 12yo to Not Be Another Piece of Shit, society would just have to deal with. I Also have NEVER looked at myself as a VICTIM or even as a SURVIVOR (which in my eyes also implies “victim” status in the past tense), I Am a MuthaFuckin WARRIOR because I have been fighting for my life since the day I was conceived & EVERY Obstacle thrown my way, I Have Fought & Defeated!! I share my experiences with everyone, Not for PITY, but as an example that there's ALWAYS A BRIGHTER DAY!! U Are in Charge of Your Life- U get to Choose Happiness or Misery & U Are the ONLY 1 Responsible for Either. Do Not Ever Give Your Power Away to Someone Else, But If U Did at some point in the past- TAKE THAT SHIT BACK!! TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK, BE U & BE PROUD OF WHO U ARE🥰🥰

Mad Love & Respect with Many Blessings & Peace for U All🥰🥰💜💜☯️☯️🧿🧿