Final Goodbye to a Narcissist, The Beginning of the End...

Pt 3. of My Miniseries- the Mental & Emotional Rollercoaster ride of breaking free from a Narcissist's hold on my Soul, which eventually led me to a Spiritual Breakthrough (aka a Tower moment)

This Emotional Rollercoaster Ride was at times volatile when the really low spots hit & then total elation on the good days- which literally had me questioning whether or not I had developed Bipolar Disorder because that's how bad the swing of emotions were. It seemed like I was done & over it, then SMACKDOWN I’d hit another bout of depression, anxiety, disgust, anger with myself for still not being over him. Anger & Rage were always my go to emotions, those were the acceptable emotions for me to exhibit as a child & it just kinda stuck as I got older. I only ever allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to show any other emotions in a one on one setting. This was so true for me that even tho I have always Loved my children more than life itself, I was never that ‘coddling’ type of mother. When they were infants was a different story, but anything from toddler stage & up, I was hardcore militant. One of my favorite statements to anyone I was dealing with was, “If My Kids Can't get away with that WTF makes U think U look lucky enough to??” I tell U this to give U a better comprehension of who I am, to help U better see how & why I've dealt with these experiences as I have, & also because I don't know if this made it easier or worse for my recovery sake.

I label each one of my “posts” as to the date written & whether they were to him or just me venting as a coping mechanism, if U notice the dates, U can see just how much it really was like going thru dealing with Bipolar Disorder. And mind U, I dealt with All of this, basically on my own, exception of my family & a few friends. I finally found a therapist who I could Trust, Respect, & work with, in the Summer of 2018. She's still my therapist to this day & has really become more of a family member (this is the heart space she's earned with me) in my view. All of the most horrific moments of my life however I was on my own to figure my way thru. Also a little backstory, when I refer to my family I'm speaking of my adult sons & their wives, as well as the handful of other humans I've collected/adopted along my journey, who are called my siblings- tho none by blood they are 100% my family. So now back to the Narcissist’s Rollercoaster. One thing I also want to point out tho, is the total mind fuckery- yes, I own it!! If I had seen anyone else doing the things that I was or thinking the way I was, I would've told them to snap tf out of it & stop being stupid. I've never been that female, u know the 1 that goes batshit crazy & does all kinds of weird shit- Not until dealing with this dude anyway.

So I am now up to August 21st 2017 & it's not 1 of the good days, so I'm back to venting:

Startin to get that urge to hit the road again

Chest feels tight, no oxygen-

Feelin trapped & useless-

Don't wanna be here-

Hate the Empty Silence-

Mind consumed with fear-

Tired of Being Alone but the fucked up reality is-

There's only 1 that can take away the pain & he's the same one who brought me all the pain in the 1st place. And now I realize I'm completely, utterly fucked in the head & my heart is my own worst enemy!! Thought I was over him, thought I could move on- I need to get out of this fkn apt- I am trapped with the ghost of a man who doesn't exist!!

Before I give U the next poem (to him), I also need to fill U in as to 1 part near the end, it's to 1 of (in his words) his baby mamas. This particular female he was apparently “on again/off again” with, even while him & I were together- when he went to visit his kids. Well due to this, she got it in her head that she & I had an issue, which if anyone had the right to claim “beef” with the other that would be me seeing as how he & I were (supposedly) together. She would pop up on messenger with lil reeree harassments, until 1 nite (I had blocked her, but people are dumb & will look for other means to try & remain relevant) after he & I had been arguing she hit me up, talking shit & laughing. Considering she looked like Dave Chappelle’s crackhead character (minus the crusty white lips), she really didn't have the status to be laughing at anyone, but I’m sure she believed herself to be cute. I told him after her bs messages, “U need to tell Dave Chappelle retarded ass to leave me tf alone & stop poking the fkn bear, don't forget I am that crazy bitch who will take the 2 city busses, 2 hour commute to her fkn house & drag her ass outside- I like your sons & I don't wanna disrespect them like that, but she got 1 more fkn time!!” I never did hear anything from her again after that.

October 1st 2017:

I hate who I became from dealing with u,

& there goes ur damn demons again,

creepin’ just outta view.

Reminding me that I'm weak when it comes to bein with or without u-

All the old scenes play & replay thru my mind-

Til I tear my own soul to shreds,

Complete Chaos & Confusion Trapped Inside My Own Head.

I don't any longer know what I want, don't want, who I am or not.

For all intensive purposes I'm happy I think, but wait- no not really, that's not me, just a female who looks acts & talks like me-

Cuz in all reality I left a long time ago,

Took a vacation when the pain & anguish became too much to bare-

Tried to leave for good but found out I'm stuck here-

Now I go thru the motions, & I really do try but I'm left an empty shell of who once thrived-

Constantly Numb unless the anger & rage return,

then they bring their friends; useless, restless, empty, & dumb.

In the long run what it truly boils down to is Idk how/if/when u can heal a broken heart.

And to the dumbass lil hoodrat hoe that always laughs at others pain- I honestly don't wish ur retarded lil ass any harm- truly I wish I could trade places with u, so I could never have experienced this- cuz it seems u don't have a heart to be broke, that's why u feel other's pain is such a joke.

A few hours later I added this last part:

I'm stuck in quick sand, running nowhere at the speed of light, drowning in air. I have become a walking conundrum unto myself - I'm ok really, I'm just not me anymore- something snapped inside, I think- tho I can't be sure-

I just know I'm not who I once was, if that's good or bad still remains to be seen, cuz Idk if I was ok with who I would've been.

& it's back to deafening silence- tho I could go out, I'd rather not risk extending another, my trust love & respect just to be played cheated & left.

The proof that Creativity is a healthy means of self-therapy (for me anyway) is in the fact that once I got my heartache out to where I could examine it from an outside perspective, I would feel a lil bit better every time. It becomes a form of closure when u cannot or will not get that in the 3D with that person who has harmed u. And now I've just realized that 1 of the main reasons my Mom (my foster mother- the only woman I will ever give that title to) was pushing me at 12yo to write “My Story” is because she already knew this. She never knew the extent of the abuses I went thru before I entered her home & care but she was not a stupid woman by any means, she had traveled the world & lived in the Middle East for some time so I'm pretty sure she could see how much baggage I was dragging around with me. Anyway back to 2017- on October 7th I wrote up a quick fb post just for my peoples:

With each passing day more things fall into place- so ready mentally to start my new journey in life but things aren't physically & financially there just yet- I fell so far back by allowing emotions to get in my way & truly fall in love with someone, that it's taken me almost a full year to recover & I'm still not there yet- I won't ever make that mistake again- if I start to feel for any other man after this experience, his ass will be cut the fuck off quick fast & in a muthafuckin hurry- never again will I stick around to be used & abused- Ima just go back to who I used to be- nigga start actin’ attached, I'm ghost. Y'all have a Peaceful & Blessed Day.

This is where I will close out this chapter, part 4 will be the final episode of this Miniseries. I really do hope & pray that these pieces of my distorted reality which helped me become even stronger for the experience, can help someone else- to heal, to become stronger, to outgrow the bs & free Yourself. Your brain can easily become your self inflicted prison because of dealing with another person's fkd up actions- & being self inflicted U are the Only one who can pull u back out & Free Yourself- a line from an old song: “FREE YOUR MIND & THE REST WILL FOLLOW” the rest of that song doesn't apply here but that one line is appropriate for All of what Life throws your way!! I will leave U with another song tho which I felt very in sync with in 2017:

Harley Quinn