Final Goodbye to a Narcissist, The Beginning of the End...

Pt 1. of My Miniseries- the Mental & Emotional Rollercoaster ride of breaking free from a Narcissist's hold on my Soul, which eventually led me to a Spiritual Breakthrough (aka a Tower moment)

In 2015, thanks to Social Media, I found an old friend or more precisely ‘refound’ my first boyfriend. We started talking thru ‘messenger’ & then exchanged numbers & ended up on the phone all night, literally ‘til after the sun came up. I found myself emotionally transported back in time to my early teens, when as crazy & unstable as my life was (@ 13yo, already completely on my own in the world in ‘the richest state in America’ Connecticut, & living wherever I could as safely as possible) I was honestly carefree & living my life to the fullest, with no responsibilities other than to myself. It was the butterflies in your stomach type of thing, & I was so excited to meet back up with him after 24 years of life(ing) had occurred sending us in different directions.

As we met back up I had discovered he was just recently back out of prison (again) for the umpteenth time & was currently in a program. This knowledge did not deter me from getting reinvolved as I am not (nor have I ever been) a judgemental person. Every single person on this planet has made mistakes (some more than others) they're not proud of and Everyone is entitled to being young & stupid at some point- it's whether or not U learn from your mistakes & progress or U become your mistakes that matters. I have always given the ‘benefit of the doubt’ until shown, the person is or isn't deserving of it. Honestly some of my favorite people have spent several decades locked up for horrific mistakes they made, but they're some of the best most respectful Humans I know.

This man (& I use this term only as a biological affirmative) however, was not the latter. He was quite literally the epitomy of the truest definition of a Narcissist. Like the old dis: Webster's has his picture next to the definition of the word. Almost immediately the Love Bombing began & I didn't even notice- it felt so nice to still have so much ‘Importance’ in his eyes- in short I was a blind idiot at that moment in my life. Make no mistake, I Was Not a Victim in any sense of the word, I am Always Responsible for my own actions & I straight up ignored the enormous Red Flags!! Like when my little brother (not biological but 100% family) came to visit as a surprise & to meet him, & he about lost his shit, had a jealous temper tantrum & refused to come home until after my little brother left. ANYONE in their right mind would've cut this bs right there- but I'm no Quitter, I'll keep kicking the crap outta that dead horse until there's nothing left but raw hamburger🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️. I tell people all the time; I'm highly intelligent, just not always the brightest bulb in the box.

A few months into this (what I now realize was just another) Situationship (when U thought U were in a relationship but realized it was actually a Situation U wanted no parts of), was the 1st really bad fight. We were drinking, he was already well on his way to drunk & I had a pretty good buzz going. During a conversation, he called me a bitch and without skipping a beat I retorted, “Yo Mama” (not speaking about his mother- I had known & loved that woman when I was a child & frankly she didn't even cross my mind at that moment). U would think he would've made the obvious connection, we came from the same ‘hood’ spent parts of our teen years in the same PJs- so a natural clap back is “Yo Mama.” His reaction was to spit in my face, which to me is one of the most disgusting & disrespectful things U can do. I'm not really sure how the next event actually occurred- a lil mental pic: I’m 5’5” & he's 6’3”- somehow I managed to headbutt him clean in the face & busted his nose with my forehead (I'm half Irish, so there's that🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️). By the end of it all my studio apartment looked like a “Summer Slam” World Wrestling event had taken place in it, & I had sustained a concussion & damaged throat (larynx), from having a microwave slammed down on top of my head & being choked out (to which I laughed in his face while he was on top of me & talked plenty of shit til he completely lost his nerve because he realized he wasn't phasing me at all/no fear in my heart & a Narc doesn't know what to do with that). He was left with 7 or 8 gouges, trenches of meat missing from either side of his gut where I tried to “Mortal Kombat” his ass, basically almost had fingerfulls of his intestines. After this he left for a few days & we “reconciled” in attempts to “fix this.”

We got into a few more ugly interactions, the worst of which (for him anyway) was when he decided he was going out for a drunken drive around 1am & I snatched his keys before he could, which led to him futilely attempting to get them out of my hand & when it didn't work he punched me in the gut & cracked 2 of my bottom right ribs. As I got up tears leaked out of my eyes literally as a purely physical reaction- I wasn't crying, I haven't cried from physical pain since I was a small child. He couldn't resist talking shit about my crying & I immediately started laughing & escalated the fight by slamming him down on top of the exposed box spring, as once again my tiny apartment was visited by Hurricane Andrew. Then I allowed him to get back on top of me so I was solid on the floor & proceeded to hammer puncture wounds- (80-90 to be exact) across both of his inner arms, the top of his torso, down the inside of 1 leg, & starting at the knee back up the inside of the 2nd leg to where he finally realized the next spot was his junk- with his car key sticking out the back of my fist. He jumped off of me but I can honestly say that played out for me as an out-of-body experience, I saw the look of sheer terror in his face while I was watching from a 3rd person perspective & that's what drove the frenzied hammering of my part.

A sane rational individual would have left long before these events took place, but I continued to try to fix it, always erroneously believing that since I was not like “battered women” who just balled up in a fetal position (which I consistently witnessed of my incubator until I was 12yo), that I was not being Abused because “hell, I gave as good as I got.” After about a year of living in this hellish nightmare which I apparently was all too happy to help him create, he lost interest due to realizing I would never be the “perfect lil victim” that Narcissists look for in their prey. And I was already in so deep that when the word Narcissist kept popping up in the back of my mind, I couldn't for the life of me remember what that was, so I looked up the word & while reading the definition (was so screwed in the head- surely that concussion {my 10th in this lifetime that I know of} was not helping any rational thought process) began questioning whether or not “I” was the Narcissist. November 7th 2016 he decided to tell me that we were no longer together but that he intended to remain living in my apartment with me, while he started dating other women- 😂😂😂 he's not too bright either apparently- the absurdity that he actually thought this would be a thing is freakin hilarious- he obviously hadn't been paying attention to how well I react to fuckshit from other humans. Anyway, for the next several months he was halfway out the door but kept trying to remain a relevant part of my life, stating at 1 point, that he “knew I was the 1 for him but he wasn't ready to settle down yet (at 40yo) & intended to keep me on hold til he was ready”🤨🤨. By March 2017 I finally got him out of my house completely & began my journey to self healing. In April I composed my 1st of quite a few writings as a part of my healing process- which I posted publicly on fb due to the knowledge that even tho I had him blocked, he would watch my page from other profiles. This was written on April 29th 2017:

It took everything out of me to actually give up on U- I've never been one to give up easy- I am that “Ride or Die”- always have been- never knew how to be anything else. When I Love U, I Love with every fiber of my being, with every ounce of my soul. That's not enough tho, for someone who is completely empty on the inside. U feed off of everyone else's life energy, then point fingers when there's nothing left to give & act as if they've wronged U in some way. R****** L**** R******** (the original post did have his full name as I wanted there to be no mistake that Yes I was speaking to him!!) U need to learn to fill yourself up without leeching the life out of the ppl who try to love u. I'm damaged but U are completely broken. U couldn't handle a woman with a brain & standards- I made u work too hard for it- that's why u gave up & “moved on” but u thought ur hold on me was good enough that u would manipulate me into chasing after u- & u got it down better than most cuz u almost got me but u took ur demons with u when u left- they no longer control me in ur absence. U lost the best thing that ever happened to ur miserable life but it will never matter to u, ur ego is too big, u will never notice what u had & what u lost. I almost lost my life to U- instead I lost 1.5yrs off my life but I gained valuable knowledge to Never let another U enter my life. Have a Blessed life, I forgive U.