Presence

This is my focus

Here & Now, In This Moment….

It didn't hit me til just a lil bit earlier this evening that this is exactly where I've been lately. I mean honestly I've always been the type of person to keep myself in the here & now, but in recent weeks it's been moreso than ever before. Most of my life, I kept one foot firmly planted in right now, while mentally & emotionally I was literally 50 or more other places & timelines all at once. And no I didn't have to do any drugs to achieve that. It wasn't even something that I attempted to accomplish, it was just an automatic happening. I do realize that's partially due to experiencing a horrific childhood, because that created very early on my ability to detach from wherever I physically was & go traveling to somewhere I wanted to be. The clinical term is disassociation, but that's not correct or accurate. That term was created so doctors & psychologists could slap a label on something they were uncomfortable with, because people don't comprehend what they aren't capable of doing. I'm not saying that everyone isn't capable of traveling in this manner but it takes the desire to learn how to use that skillset. That desire either comes from trauma or from the love of learning and truly knowing yourself.

I am focused on healing. I am focused on building. And I truly haven't been letting anything deter me from this in anyway. One reason I can say this for sure, is I'm currently dealing with a work situation which is also a living situation, where at least 10x in a 24hr period people's actions seem to be deliberately to anger or at the very least to pluck nerves. And I am exhausted from it but at the same time it ain't sticking. I'll get annoyed in that very moment, cuss them out in my head, and 5 minutes later (if that long), I'm perfectly fine. It's not that I've forgotten any of the retarded shit that was done or said, it's more to the point of I just don't give a fuck. I'm not interested in giving up any part of my Peace for some miserable mufucker whose soul purpose is to try & drag down anyone around them. U know, the old “Crabs in a bucket” analogy.

Here's a snippet of a conversation I had with one such crab, the other day, so U can see what I'm talking about.

Me, “Ok, have a Blessed day” Crab, “What is That supposed to mean??” Me, “Haaave a Blesssed daaay” (much slower this time in case I was speaking too fast the first time- I'm aware I speak too fast for some people, hell there's times I think too fast for my own mouth to keep up, so I'm not immune to this concept), Crab, “NO, What do U Mean- Blessed Day??!! What the hell is That??!!” Me, [starting to smile cuz I see where the fuckin reeree is tryna steer the conversation to] “It's Me BLESSING U with a Great day!!” Crab, “Well Then Just Say Have a GREAT DAY!!” Me now with an ear to ear grin, “Ok, Byyyeee” {my inner monologue “fuckin stupid Narcissistic cunt, U seriously believe U will mandate me to change the way I speak?? Not on your life BaeBee!!”} I give Crab credit tho, they tried and in the process they actually got me laughing. Crab stormed off looking like they had a mouthful of shit cuz they weren't capable of sharing their miserable ass state with me. And it's Still a Beautiful Day in My Neighborhood!!

I currently spend most of my day in complete solitude which is an interesting concept considering there is constantly other people around.

This song was playing in my head regularly, so I had to look it up. It's quite interesting how fitting the words are today when this song came out a few decades ago.

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I started this peace in early January and it has been sitting in Drafts ever since. Right as I got to that point in what I was writing about, there was a significantly abrupt & much worse change in the clients behavior. Now if U know what I do for a living U will probably think, “It kinda goes with the territory” and with majority of Clients (of a Home Health Aide) U would be correct. However this particular client was not elderly, not suffering Alzheimer's, not at end of life stages. This particular client is 3 years younger than me and while yes she has some physical limitations, most of her “care plan” is based on fraud. She's simply not a good human. After getting to the point of texting my boss, 5 days prior to the assignment end date, and telling her she needed to find a replacement for me ASAP, I managed to remain there til the end date, because…. There Was Literally NO Other Caregiver, that would work with this client!! I did secure a financial bonus for my troubles, but after exiting that assignment, it wasn't until the next day that I realized I had actually gotten traumatized by that female. So was the financial compensation worth it?? Not really.

I've been away from Substack for about a month now- it wasn't intentional, not by any means, it just kind of happened, because I went back into hermit mode to work on a few things, after realizing how negatively I allowed myself to be affected by that client. I've since taken care of about 10 more different clients, from all different walks of life, and different ages, with the average age being 90. I got to experience caring for a real Centerian for a 1 week assignment, and it was pretty awesome that this woman was only about 3 months from her 101 bornday, and still mobile (with some help & a walker, But MOBILE none the less)!! I now have my own permanent Live In client, who is honestly pretty easy going. When I last published I was going to be doing a follow-up Peace regarding my Lion Diet experience, with Before & After snaps. That will be done & published within the next few days.

To All of U Who have been a Peace of My Journey: My Apologies for disappearing, and a Huge Heartfelt Thank U for Sticking it out with Me. Mad Love & an Abundance of Blessings for Each & Every One of U🥰🥰👑👑💜💜☯️☯️🧿🧿👁️