On Saying Goodbye to My Former Self

Here We Go, the Final Countdown, the Last 48

Working up to this for quite a bit, I’m now on the final countdown & it's getting harder to Breathe. I feel disconnected & awkward. This is from a combination of factors but the one which gripped me the strongest took a while to figure out what was really bothering me. I went thru the usual self analysation, only to weed out every aspect I could think of & come right back to clueless. While yes I am in process of a complete 180° life shift, starting from breaking ground & pouring a brand new foundation (with much better materials this time around), I absolutely should not be feeling like the world is ending. It's not as if I haven't done anything like this before in my life. Hell I've changed course more times in this lifetime than most change their damn drawers, so feeling this torn up just doesn't make sense.

I began writing this on Monday 5/13/2024. I was at that moment dealing with such an inner turmoil that I couldn't even continue writing or reading anything…

Knowing that I’m 48hrs out from the starting line-

My mind is so quiet right now that it leaves me unsettled, like trying to see & hear thru fog. Feeling numb & restless, calm but anxious almost as if I’m detaching. Tried to read, but I left 4 different articles/stories unfinished as I grew impatient & irritable. I didn't dream last nite, at all. This a.m. when I woke up, my head is silent. Others would think this is a good thing, but for me I start to feel almost panicked. I've lived my whole life, hearing conversations inside my head; some of them, my intuition or higher self, sometimes Spirit, other times, my Ancestors/Spirit Guides. Zero dreams & pure silence feels like the “call just dropped” & I’m all alone on a desert island. It's not a nice feeling at all.

I’ve felt this same way many times in the past, as Death of this physical realm came to take a loved one away. All of a sudden it hits me. Now I know what this is- my Ego has already started to mourn the Death of my former self, the old Me. I feel disconnected, discombobulated, & empty. I wanna talk to someone, but I won't reach out because I don't wanna talk to anyone. I wanna eat cuz I know I need to when doing so much physical labor, but I won't cuz the mere thought of food makes me nauseous. I keep pushing thru the physical activities of preparation for my trip, hoping that will push this feeling out & bring back my Peace. My knowing that Everything's gonna be Alright, cuz Spirit is whispering in the back of my mind, sending nonstop messages from every direction.

Yesterday (Mother's Day), my middle son brought my 2 granddaughters & my daughter-in-law, & they spent a few hours with me. We had dinner & talked & laughed & had a great time. Then I helped my son pack a bunch of stuff (I gave them) into his car. I cried (I’m not the kind of person who cries as a general rule, unless I’m so fucking angry that I’m trying not to harm another human who desperately deserves it in that moment) my eyes out after my kids drove outta sight. At least I know that set (of my babies) is ok & they will be following me south a lil later in the year. But I also know I wont get to see or hold any of my babies for several months (again).

By the end of the day, I’m utterly cut off from everything, imprisoned in my own silent mind. With perfect timing as always, my wonderful Friend

Chris Youngblood

texts me, & pulls me to mental freedom. We talk for a bit & by the end of the call I’m back. No longer trapped in the deafening silence. I don't think this man has any clue how much I truly value his friendship.

It's getting late, I’m exhausted, haven't eaten anything of value the entire day & I've been cleaning, packing, & feeling lost all day. It's time to lay it down & start again tomorrow.

Tuesday 5/14/2024, starts & I’m doing much better than yesterday.

Now the “nerves” start. This shit is ridiculous, one thing that sux about having a warzone of a childhood is that stress culminates in a miriad of physical reactions. From hands that shake & sweat, to nausea, to headaches, to the fabulously fun gut wrenching “Nervous Stomach.”

It's not an easy road to Take a Leap of Faith by any means. That's why it's called getting Out of Your Comfort Zone. I’m in the process of reducing all material objects from the last 15yrs of my life into: 1) 40 gal tote, 1) 29” suitcase, & 1) backpack- literally just the necessities & a few very small mementos of sentimental value, things that were given to me by my kids or made for me by my grandbabies. And on top of that, those who are closest to me, have reminded me (too) many times that, financially I am by no means “solid” at this moment. I was working a 45hr workweek & just making ends meet. Then that assignment ended, and after another week or so I obtained a new assignment which was only 6hrs a week. I am starting from ground zero. I've had people ask me, “Where are U going, do U have a place??” to which I reply, “Ft Lauderdale” them, “No but where??” me, “Ft Lauderdale” It's a “crazy concept” for most to comprehend, but here’s the deal: I’m in CT going nowhere fast, the longer I stay, the deeper in the hole I go. I’m bleedin chips here. Should I hang around Waiting for things to change, for something to get better, until I’m living under a fucking bridge somewhere?? Or do I cut my losses & start making moves to Do Something with my life?? After purchasing my Greyhound ticket (Yes I moved 1,500 miles by bus🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️) I had a few hundred left to my name. There were several items I was trying to sell before I left but each of those deals fell thru at the last minute, so Tuesday evening I donated them & now someone else will make money off of them. It is what it is. I’m still alive & as long as there's breath in my body, I will keep going. So Yes, I have Jumped off that Cliff & I’m currently Free Falling. But here's the thing that came to my mind: a few generations back, my great grandparents all came here from their respective countries; crossing oceans & tens of thousands of miles, with absolutely Nothing save a couple of personal items (if that), not knowing the land or the language in attempts to live, & They All Did!! I've got a leg up simply because, I do have a few hundred in my pocket (at the very least I can feed myself until I start gaining momentum), I know the landscape & the language. So is it difficult?? Yes!!- Is it impossible?? Absofuckinlutely Not!! Taking a Leap of Faith is Exactly that!! It's not the Easy way- but somebody please enlighten me as to what of Value have U ever achieved or obtained simply by having it handed to U??

April 24th by the Connecticut River in Middletown CT. I’m trading this for a different type of water scene- for me this ain't “it” this is not where my heart & Soul are at Home…

Photo downloaded from fb many years ago- this is where my 💜 & Soul dream of being.

I'm going to find the place my Soul longs for, I’m going to Live My Dreams & Enjoy the Second Half of My Life. My wish for all of U is; U find the courage to do the same.

I will tell U all about my trip & arrival (which in itself was a whole trip) very soon. It's been a crazy journey already lol, & it's truly at just the very starting line🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ I know I’m Alive tho, & that's what makes it all worth it💪🏽💪🏽🥰🥰

P.S. I am in no way begging, I am asking if U appreciate my work Please consider a paid subscription. Honestly I could use the help.

🌴🔥🧿☯️💜🥰Until Next Time, Mad Love & an Abundance of Blessings to All of Y'all🥰💜☯️🧿🔥🌴