Decisions & Willpower

Once U make the Decision, do U have the heart to stick to it~ No Matter What??

I've been speaking/writing a lot about making changes in life & I've been showing U thru my writings & an occasional photo, that I’m in practice of what I’m preaching (so the saying goes). Honestly tho 1 vital step in making life changes, that I don't really give much thought to, or at least haven't expressed in my writings, is the Decision making process. While the majority of my decisions comes directly from me listening to my Intuition & Spirit. There’s still the other “thoughts” that come to mind, that create changes for me. I know that this probably seems like I’m kinda going in circles here, but bare with me. I’m going to share with U an example of what I’m speaking about & it's also something which I never thought I would actually share in the public eye.

I've mentioned this particular situation/event in previous writings, however there's literally only 2 people from Substack who actually know what this is. Like I said I never thought I would share this publicly, but it's not about the actual thing as much as the Decision & Willpower that surround it. Due to having pretty severe PTSD from the fabulous childhood I was raised in, I spent the vast majority of my life not sleeping much, & when I did sleep the nightmares were horrendous. A line from a DMX song that always stuck with me was; “What U call Nightmares is what I have as Dreams” meaning My Nightmares are so fucking bad that my “dreaming” U would consider to be nightmares. As a kid/teen I smoked a lot of weed (marijuana) in order to sleep. I smoked so much that when I ran into an old friend a few years back, who I hadn't hung out with since my teen years, he was actually scared of the idea of smoking with me current day!! His statement was, “Na Fuck That, I Wanna Live!!” Which causes me to laugh as I’m typing this, because we're talking about a 52 year old man who's been smoking all his life & currently has his medical card (Yes he also has PTSD- a good majority of Us do, at least where I come from).

There were plenty of times in my life that I stopped smoking because it’s always been a huge taboo. If I wanted to be able to support my kids then I had to give up being able to have Peaceful Restful sleep. Which in all honesty made it a lot easier to work 60-80 hour work weeks, because it helped give me something constructive to do (making money) in the absence of getting any real sleep. It also created a Powerhouse of a single mother because, ‘no’ sleep had me fueled & operating most often on pure rage, but I got shit done!! I've found out recently that nothing makes me physically stronger than being completely pissed off coupled with not having any sleep- & I’m gonna guess this is one reason why the military trains soldiers to operate under complete sleep deprivation. Anyway back to the subject at hand. So I didn't smoke thru my pregnancies, as well as for most of my kids childhood years (so I wouldn't fail a pre-employment drug test), but whenever I was able to go back to smoking I did, cuz I really enjoy being able to get a good nite's sleep 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️. In April 2019 I got my medical marijuana card & that changed a lot of things for me. I FINALLY slept every nite PEACEFULLY for 5 years str8!!

On the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in the end of March (24th) I made the decision to stop. When I stated that a complete 180° shift in my life was necessary, I meant exactly what I said. I really don't like the thoughts of being dependant on ANYTHING regardless of what it is or what it's for. So it was time, for 5 years without fail, I smoked/vaped every single nite before bed. I was dependant on weed (THC/CBD) in order to sleep. In my eyes, it's a krutch, training wheels and there comes a time when U have to get rid of the krutches/training wheels and learn to stand/walk/ride on Your own!! When I made the decision on Saturday March 23rd that, that would be my last night, I made sure I still had some weed left over- for “just in case.” At that time I was still working 45hrs per week with a client who was physically abusive (due to Advanced Alzheimer's- this literally is a thing because Alzheimer's eats away at brain tissue & if the amygdala gets damaged it creates violent behavior). So I absolutely needed to get enough sleep before dealing with him, so I wouldn't end up snapping & fucking him up for swinging on me. Honestly tho, I thought about it a few times, moreso because it was a “habit” part of my nitely routine. One thing about life is, in ALL circumstances, life responds to U. If U decide U are going to do something then U can & will do it. If U sit on the fence, going back & forth inside your head while listening to societal negativity, U won't be capable of doing what U claim to want. In my subtitle I pose the question: “Once U make the Decision, do U have the heart to stick to it~ No Matter What??” In other words, Do U Really Want It?? Or are U claiming to want IT because it sounds good?? If U Really Want Something in this Life- There SHOULDN'T be ANYTHING that can possibly stand in your way!! I can say without ANY Hesitation I haven't smoked, vaped, or touched weed in any way shape or form in 2 months after it being an Every Day routine for 5 full years. I also haven't touched Any Alcohol since December 2023, not that I was drinking regularly or a lot even, I just didn't want it in my body anymore. When I was living in CT the apartment I was in was right on top of a liquor store too so I literally had easy access 7 days a week if I had wanted it.

Your mind is the most powerful tool on the planet, don't let someone else's agenda decide your life for U!!

Thank U for being part of my journey- I truly do Appreciate U All!!🥰🥰💜💜☯️☯️🧿🧿🔥🔥🌴🌴

🌴🔥🧿☯️💜🥰Until Next Time~ Mad Love & Blessings to All Y'all 🥰💜☯️🧿🔥🌴